How to Deal With Jealousy in Kids

Your child's jonesing for the scarlet-sweater Uggs her BFF wears and says she'll die without them—oh, and also without an iPhone. How should you respond? The answer depends “on the object of her envy,” says Phyllis Katz, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist in Miami Beach, FL. If your kid's coveting a particular item, maybe you could work out ways she could save up for it. But longing for another person's physical traits is trickier. No matter what's made her go green, here's how to help her deal:
Listen up. Let her speak freely about her feelings and simply empathize, rather than leaping in with advice. You could say, “I understand how much you love your friend's red curls.” Tell her about a time when you also felt envious of someone's looks or accomplishments, so she knows she's not the only person who's ever felt this way.
Show her you value personalities over possessions. Compliment your (or her) friend's sense of humor instead of her shoes. By doing so, you may gently steer her away from materialism.
Help turn her envy into ambition. If the object of her desire is a friend's grades or tennis swing, encourage her to work toward her own personal goal. Studying more could move her grade up on the next test, which may boost confidence and ease her away from the envy she feels.
Read all about it. Jealousy can cause resentment and can damage a friendship for good. Give your child another perspective to consider by reading a story about its effects. Try The Hundred Dresses, a classic tale about envy, bullying, courage, and forgiveness.

8 Discipline Mistakes Parents Make

You know the drill: You give your child an ultimatum -- "Get dressed or we're staying home!" -- and naturally she says, "Okay, we'll stay home!" Might as well plant a big "L" on your forehead. We all see our discipline efforts backfire on occasion (hey, you're tired!), and of course there are those battles just not worth fighting (no kid ever flunked preschool because his teeth were furry). But you do need to prove you're the parent at least some of the time. Learning to avoid these discipline land mines can help you hop to it.

Way to Blow It #1: Tell a Big Ole Lie
"My two-year-old daughter, Chloe, fights me about going to her babysitter's house every Monday," says New Jersey mom Gina Kane. One morning when Chloe refused to get out of the car, "I pointed to the house next door and told her it was a daycare center run by the caveman from the Geico commercials, which really scare her," says Kane. "I said she had a choice: Go to the sitter's house or to the caveman's daycare." Mission accomplished -- Chloe dashed to the sitter's door. Fast-forward a week: The babysitter casually asked Kane if she knew of a daycare center in the neighborhood because her daughter couldn't stop talking about it. "I was mortified having to explain, and Chloe now thinks that all daycare centers are run by cavemen," Kane admits. "I'm in big trouble if I ever actually have to send her to daycare."
A Better Way: Little white lies are so tempting in a pinch. You might even get away with them sometimes. Another mom had a great run while her toddler was afraid of a local clown named Macaroni. Whenever he refused to cooperate, she'd just say, "Maybe we should get Macaroni!" and the little guy would immediately don his pj's or gobble his carrots. But as Kane found out, scare tactics can and do come back to bite you in the butt, so it's best to be honest, says Bonnie Maslin, author of Picking Your Battles. Kane could have said instead, "I know sometimes you don't want to go to your babysitter. Sometimes I don't want to go to work." Empathizing would have made the Monday-morning transition easier.
Way to Blow It #2: Back Down
You want a surefire way to make sure your kids never listen to you? Threaten but don't act. My daughter Ella and I recently went for a playdate at a friend's house, where the little girl kept snatching away whatever toy Ella picked up. Her mom would say, "Give that back to Ella or I'll take it away," and then turn back to our conversation. Of course, as soon as Ella moved on to another toy, the little girl wanted that one.
A Better Way: It's no fun to be the bad guy, but if a child acts out, there has to be a consequence. "Repeatedly saying 'If you don't stop throwing sand, I'm going to make you leave the sandbox' won't stop the bad behavior," says Bridget Barnes, coauthor of Common Sense Parenting for Toddlers and Preschoolers. "What your child hears is 'I can keep doing this a few more times before Mom makes me stop.'"
Instead, give a warning, and then, if your child does it again, give an immediate consequence such as a time-out. If he continues, leave. The next time, a gentle reminder should do the trick: "Remember how we had to leave when you threw the sand? I hope we don't have to go home early again today."

Picky Eater Solutions

"If you make me eat this, I will die!" my 5-year-old son, Daniel, wailed when I mixed peas with pasta. The horror! But he's hardly the first kid to claim mortal danger from a pea. Others eat only white food, won't go near meat, or gag at the thought of eating a Tater Tot that's touched the burger. In fact, nearly two thirds of parents describe at least one problem with their child's eating, according to a study in Contemporary Pediatrics. Although pickiness is normal and tends to lessen with age, you probably still feel you should do something if your child is living on frozen waffles. Know what you can do? Relax. There are no significant differences in overall nutrient intake between picky eaters and other kids, another study in the same journal found. And most likely, your child's diet seems worse than it is. See why on the next page, and get plenty of tips on handling all kinds of fusspots -- even yours.

Why Kids Get Sicker at Night

It started around 1 A.M. My son, Liam, was 14 months old, and the noises coming from his room didn't seem completely human: There was a sort of honking bark followed by a whistle-y kind of breathing. I ran into his room, my heart racing with worry, and I found him sitting up in his crib, looking scared and tired. I picked him up, took his temperature -- no fever -- and called the doctor. "It sounds like croup," the doctor said. "Wrap him up in a warm blanket, sit outside with him, and call me back if his cough and breathing don't improve in ten minutes." Huh? This was early spring in New Hampshire. Sit outside?
It had to be worth a shot. I wrapped Liam up so that only his frightened little face was exposed, put on my winter coat, and stepped onto our screened-in porch. We sat on the rocking chair, moving back and forth, looking at the stars, and listening to the croaking tree frogs. Within 15 minutes his throat gradually, miraculously cleared. The coughing stopped, his breathing sounded normal, and believe it or not, he had fallen back to sleep.
In the meantime, my husband had set up a modern version of outdoor night air -- a cool-mist humidifier -- in Liam's room. I put him back in his crib, and he slept through the night. I, on the other hand, kept checking in on him every hour or so, but that's what mothers do.
Sickness never comes at a convenient time, but when your child awakens in the middle of the night with distressing symptoms, chaos often follows. Everyone is half asleep and not thinking clearly. The doctor's office is closed, and you don't know whether you should call and wake him or try to deal with the ailment yourself. Let's relieve some of the stress of that decision right now: Anytime you think your child's health may be in serious danger -- for instance, he has a high fever and is acting poorly, has trouble breathing, has a strange rash, or is having a seizure -- call your doctor (or 911) immediately. And almost any symptom in a baby under 4 months old merits an immediate call to the doctor, no matter the time.
So what are you supposed to do the other 97 percent of the time when your child wakes up at 2 A.M. worse off than when he went to bed? Symptoms of many children's illnesses routinely worsen at night, and though there's nothing life-threatening about them, they can make your child miserable. Fortunately, with a little planning and the help of our middle-of-the-night health guide, you'll have what you need to get your kid (and you!) feeling better by morning.

Asthma and allergies

why they're worse at night: If your child has asthma or certain allergies, you're probably all too familiar with the challenges of helping her through the wee hours. There are many factors at play: "The body's level of cortisol drops at night, and cortisol has some preventive effects on asthma," says Santiago Martinez, M.D., pediatric allergist and clinical assistant professor of medicine at Florida State University Medical School in Tallahassee. Plus, the levels of histamine rise, aggravating many allergy and asthma symptoms. And finally, some allergens, such as dust mites and pet dander, may be more prevalent in a child's room, increasing her exposure while she sleeps.
what to do: If your child has an allergy attack at night, an antihistamine should quell her symptoms (ask your doctor for the best one to have on hand for your child). Should you find that her attacks are frequent and occur year-round, you may want to consider immunotherapy shots, which introduce tiny amounts of the allergen into the body, slowly allowing immunity to build.
Got an asthmatic? You know what to stock: a bronchodilator, which immediately opens the airways; a peak flow meter to monitor your child's breathing; and preventive medications such as leukotriene inhibitors or inhaled steroid medications, which work to keep inflammation in check long-term.
"If your child is having more than two flare-ups of asthma a week -- whether it's just a chronic dry cough or wheezing -- or if she's not responding well to the bronchodilators, her condition is not well controlled and she should be reevaluated by a doctor," says Dr. Martinez. "Virtually everyone can get their asthma under control if it is diagnosed and treated early. In some cases, asthma and allergies may just be seasonal problems, and treatment can be stepped up or reduced, depending on the need."
Preventive steps to reduce the allergens can go a long way, too. That may mean keeping your child's windows closed, banning Fluffy and Fido from her room, and encasing her bedding in allergy-proof covers. You can also consider using HEPA filters in your vacuum and a HEPA air filter -- these are designed to trap the minuscule particles that can aggravate symptoms.

Croup

why it's worse at night: This barking-seal cough is usually the result of a viral infection that has settled in the upper airway and voice box, and typically strikes while the child has a cold. Because it causes swelling of the vocal cords, the cough also may be accompanied by noisy, rapid breathing. Croup is almost always at its worst at night, partly because blood flow to the respiratory tract changes when a child lies down. Plus, dry air can aggravate it.
what to do: "Begin by giving your child a dose of children's ibuprofen to reduce the severity of the swelling in his airways and relieve the discomfort," says Andrea Leeds, M.D., a pediatrician in Bellmore, New York, and a member of the committee on practice and ambulatory medicine for the American Academy of Pediatrics. (If your child is younger than 12 months, skip ibuprofen unless your doctor has already given you the okay to use it.) "Then strip him down to his diaper or underpants, turn on the shower full blast, and sit in the steamy bathroom with him for fifteen minutes." After that -- and this is the most important part, says Dr. Leeds -- dress him, wrap him up in a blanket, and take him outside in the cool night air (or, if it's summertime, hold him in front of the open freezer door or an air conditioner for at least five minutes). The steam relaxes the airways and vocal cords, while the cold air reduces the swelling; this combination often controls symptoms until the next day, when you can go to the doctor. (Like my doctor, yours may recommend one strategy or the other; if you notice a clear improvement, as we did with just the cold air, it's usually fine to stop there.)

Earache

why it's worse at night: Whether the infection is in the middle ear or in the ear canal (also called swimmer's ear), these puppies can hurt. Lying down increases the collection of fluid and puts extra pressure on the inflamed tissue.
what to do: Ibuprofen (for kids older than 12 months) or acetaminophen can help relieve the ache, but you can also try this remedy for severe pain from middle ear infections: "Heat a tablespoon of olive oil in the microwave so it's warm -- but not hot -- to your touch," says Dr. Leeds. "Put two to three drops of the warm oil in your child's affected ear. It relaxes the membranes and brings almost instant relief." Applying a warm, damp washcloth to your child's ear also can help. Either way, it's smart to check in with your doctor in the morning; your child may need an antibiotic to clear the infection if it's not improving on its own (as many do). If your child is prone to them, ask about getting prescription eardrops to numb the pain next time around.

Fever

why it's worse at night: Body temperature rises naturally in the evening, so a fever that was slight during the day can easily spike during sleep.
what to do: First, take your child's temperature (do it rectally if she's under 6 months old -- and, ideally, for as long as she'll allow this method). Any fever above 100.4°F in an infant under 3 months warrants an immediate call to the doctor. Same goes for an elevated temp in any child that's accompanied by lethargy, vomiting, diarrhea, stiff neck, or an unusual rash.
Otherwise, try a dose of acetaminophen, wait half an hour, and check the temperature again, says Dr. Leeds. "If it hasn't begun to come down and she's older than a year, give your child some ibuprofen, too," she adds. "You can use these medications together, separated by half an hour. Just remember that acetaminophen can be given every four hours, and ibuprofen can be given every six to eight hours." (Write down the time of each dose to help you keep track.) In the meantime -- and if you're not too delirious -- you can give your child a room-temperature bath to help cool her down. And definitely help her stay hydrated by offering some water (or formula or breast milk if she's a baby) before she goes back to sleep. Call the doctor in the morning to check in; she may want you to bring your child in.

Baby Milestones: Why She Won't Stop Crying

So long, quiet, dreamy newborn; hello, certified screamer? If your baby has begun shrieking endlessly, his face turning purple in frustration, console yourself with this fact: A series of Canadian studies have shown that sometime in the first five months, all newborns experience unsoothable crying jags, some of which can last two hours. Overall, they may cry as much as five hours a day. Some infants sit at the calm end of the spectrum, some are in the middle, and some cry for hours, says Ronald Barr, M.D., the study author and a professor of pediatrics at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver. (The children on the high end of the spectrum are often considered to have colic.) Dr. Barr calls this stage "the period of PURPLE crying." (See below.) By giving it a name, he hopes parents will realize that it's not their fault; some babies cry -- a lot. Talk to a doctor to rule out a medical cause, and then try to ride it out: Hold your child, walk him, and get help, so you can refuel. You will get past this!
P - Peak crying occurs between 2 and 5 months of age
U - Crying is unpredictable, coming and going for no reason
R - The baby resists soothing
P - The baby looks as if he's in pain, but you can't find a cause
L - The periods of crying are long, up to two hours each
E - Crying tends to occur in the evening or the late afternoon

How to Get Your Child to Sleep (Really!)

With my first baby, I discovered that there really is a Land of the Living Dead. It's populated by zombies whose children don't sleep. My son had a voracious appetite, so he (and I) would be up every two hours so he could eat. My daughter was a tough one, too --every time I put her down, she howled like a wet cat. Still, by the time they were toddlers, we were all sleeping through the night pretty well. Then came baby number three. Aidan hatedgoing to bed and woke up every time a breeze blew on Pluto. I didn't sweat it, though --I knew all babies eventually sleep through the night.
But, as it turns out, I knew nothing. By the time Aidan was 3, my husband and I had dubbed him "Mr. Attorney Loophole" because he always had a good reason for not sleeping: He needed water, a snack, a softer blanket. The music on his CD player was too loud or too soft. There was a wasp in his room. Or a ghost. Or a monster! The hamster wheel was keeping him awake. He wasn't tired. He was too tired. His throat hurt. "It's just that everything won't let me sleep, Mom," Aidan told me.
Why? Why was my third child so impossible? "Children come as sleepers or non-sleepers," says Jodi Mindell, Ph.D., author of Sleeping Through the Night --you'll know which yours is by the time he's old enough to try climbing out of the crib. And if you've got a non-sleeper, you may find he does his non-sleeping in different ways as he grows (oh, it's true; Aidan tried everything). But you can get these kids into bed. I did, and Mr. Attorney Loophole practically puts himself to bed now. Here's how to handle the most common post-babyhood sleep problems:

12 to 18 months: "Go back to sleep!"
For young toddlers, the most common sleep problem is frequent waking --some naturally wake up as many as six times during a single night. "The question isn't really why your child wakes during the night," Mindell says, "but why he can't put himself back to sleep."
If he can't soothe himself in the middle of the night by this age, there's probably some part of his bedtime routine that he can't do on his own: a song, a story tape, or you sitting cross-legged with a grapefruit balanced on your head. Developmentally, too, this is a tricky time, since a child is old enough to figure out that the minute he closes his eyes you'll leave, his pacifier will drop out of sight, and his music will squeak to a halt. The bottom will fall out of his world. Therefore, why would he want to fall asleep?
The solution: Train him to drift off on his own by creating new sleep associations. This way, you won't have to "drag your sorry butt out of bed every few hours," as Sarah Bieber, a mom of three in Rockland, Maryland, puts it. The first thing to do is make sure your bedtime ritual is up and running (see "The best bedtime routine"), and then:
See nighttime through your child's eyes. Stand in his room and imagine that it's 2 a.m. What does your child see? A light on in the hallway? Toys in the bed? Make his bedroom look the same at bedtime as it will in the wee hours. If you don't plan to be sitting in that rocking chair singing to him then, get out of there before he falls asleep.
You might need props, too, to ensure the sameness. Tori Stewart, now 21 months old, would wake at any sound and cry out for her mom, Amanda. But turning on a fan in her room drowned out the sounds. "It was a small miracle-no more midnight awakenings," says the Campbellsville, Kentucky, mom. Practice your poker face. When you do get that late-night wake-up call, do a simple checking routine that involves going into your child's room (or taking him back there) to tell him that everything is okay. Be gentle but firm: Don't cuddle, play, or stay too long. Your goal is to make him think it's not worth his while to call for you.
Delay gratification. As the night goes on, stretch out the time between his first call for you and when you go into his room. Try waiting five minutes the first and second times, ten minutes the next, and so forth. And give him several days to adjust. "Here you are, changing all the rules," says Mindell, "so it can take a week or two for the new sleep associations to take hold."
As your child gets a little older, sleep problems may start earlier in the evening. Toddlers hate to go to bed in the first place. Why? They're control freaks ("No! My way!") and they have wild imaginations ("There's a shark under my bed!"). At first, their plaintive voices, asking to kiss the dog good night or for you to please, please check behind the curtain, are cute. But by 9 p.m. you may be at your wit's end, and your child will end up sleep-deprived.
Indulge (a little) at tuck-in. Get her what she needs --the first few requests are probably legit. It's okay to acknowledge her fears, too; it'll soothe, rather than encourage, if you can spray "monster poison" (water) around or put in a nightlight. "Our oldest is dealing with being scared of monsters and the shape the shadows on the wall creates," says Scranton, Pennsylvania, mom Karen Foley. "We shut off the light, adjust our eyes, and talk about all the shadows and what they could be, other than scary things. It's helped him a lot."
Then stand your ground. If you're having trouble setting limits during the day, you may be at war by bedtime. So once you've said "one more," that's it. She may plead or whimper, but you'll both be better off if you can stay firm. Say good night and mean it. (If she follows you out of the room, return her to bed with just another "good night." Nothing else.)
3 to 6 years: "You still need me?"
Preschoolers love attention, so often they'll get out of bed or call you back simply because they can't get enough of you. But you can use that very lust for attention to help them sleep.
Stage your appearances. After saying good night, explain that you'll be back in five minutes to give him another kiss or read a short story if he's quiet and stays in his bed. Do the same again and again, each time staying away for a longer period. "The key is that you have to return," says Mindell, so keep your promise. Some kids may require shorter intervals; that's okay. Just stretch out the intervals and do fewer "I'll be backs" over the course of a week.
With our clingy (yet savvy) Aidan, we had to get a little more creative. First, we started telling him we'd forgotten to do something: start the dryer, say, or load the dishwasher. We'd leave a dim lamp on and reassure him we'd be back after doing our errand --and often I left the magazine I'd been reading on his pillow as extra insurance that I'd be back. If he was still awake when I returned, I'd kiss him again and tell him how wonderful it was that he was staying in his bed.
Level with him. Lisa Predella of Medfield, Massachusetts, has a surprisingly simple technique that works wonders with her 4-year-old. "I tell him that I'll be a much nicer mommy in the morning if I get to sleep without interruption," she says. "Then I make good on my promise. When he comes into the kitchen in the morning, I run over to him and smother him with kisses."
Another common sleep problem among preschoolers is night terrors, which peak between ages 3 and 6, affecting about 5 percent of kids. Generally occurring within two hours of falling asleep, these scary incidents often start with a scream. Your child may flail, breathe rapidly, sweat --even bolt out of bed. They're actually much worse to watch than to experience, says Mindell, so try not to freak. Other than keeping your child safe during a night terror, your goal should be to do as little as possible.
No matter what your child's age or sleep troubles, you need to be consistent and persistent to get him into bed --for the whole night. It took two weeks (and more than a few bumps) for Aidan's sleep training to really kick in, but since then we've all gotten a lot more rest. It's so great --and so amazing --that my husband and I have been known to sneak into Aidan's room, just to watch him sleep.